"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?"
Jesus replied: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind."
Paraphrasing from a sermon I heard a while ago: "Loving God is paramount in our Christian walk, but no human is capable of loving that much, that devotedly, indefinitely - but this is why God grants what he also commands..."
How long has it been since I felt an overwhelming adoration for God that lasted more than an hour? How long since I considered each step in light of His holiness and mercy, since each moment showed me further proof of His love and protection?
I live my life, worrying over my worries, stressing over what I can't change, immersing into my hobbies, or filling my spare time with amusing characters - real and fictional alike. I go to church, I feel the impact of the lesson; I don't dismiss it, I'm grateful for it, joyful when I leave, but the fire, the courage...
I remember in college so many of us had that drive, that energy, that openly vibrant zeal for the God of the universe. At first, I reacted with admiration, and a dash of envy. After a few years, it turned into cynicism. "They'll outgrow that really quick," I'd think, "when they get a taste of real life."
It's like when the infatuation stage ends in a relationship. The "newlywed syndrome," I've heard it called. The love isn't gone (or one hopes it's not), it just isn't so encompassing. It's a calmer thing; you don't think about it ALL THE TIME anymore. You're now capable of having a real fight, getting angry, so angry you want to leave, but you don't because you love.
You're also capable of seeing the truth, not what your rose-colored mental filter showed you for a long while. You're allowed to be frustrated, disappointed, but you work through these things because you love.
Love doesn't disappear. Love isn't the butterflies and the hyper-awareness and the hinging of your life on the happiness of another person. Love is a damned hard struggle, but worth it in the end.
Is this what loving God is, too? Is this the natural progression a person goes through? Or is there something more to it? I feel like there should be, and that I don't have it.
That thought depresses and frustrates me. But then I go on with my life, addressing the responsibilities given to me, and I forget my thirst for a little while, dull the ache that I know will come back in quieter moments, and make me wish I hadn't turned out the way I have.