Saturday, July 7, 2012

Letting Go

Many of my FB friends will remember two posts I made, some weeks back.  The first talked about having something important being taken away, and the second talked about regardless whether a certain person abandoned me or not, they would still have to live with themselves.
Most folks will recognized these as my initial stages of loss - sadness, and anger.

I've run into this person twice since those posts (and I don't think this person has seen them).  The first time seemed optimistic.  Olive branches were offered, sympathies exchanged, distresses confided.
The second time turned out downright poor.  When the olive branch was offered again, by me, it was refused.  Conversation felt strained; my presence, avoided.

And you know what?  I'm okay with that.  I woke up the next morning wondering why I try to offer platonic affection to someone who clearly does not reciprocate.

Not to say I'm an unfeeling bitch with a stone heart.  Ask my husband - this has bothered me for some time.  Any discord with my friends bothers me.

But there's only so much I can do, yes?

I did an exercise the other day - a mental exercise.  I imagined what my life would be like if I kept trying to re-friend this person.  Having known this person for a few years, I believe I can reasonably predict what actions would be taken by this person in response to anything I said or did.
I felt myself getting more and more stressed the more I dwelled on that picture.
So then I imagined what my life would be like without this person.  It hurt at first.  We'd been close friends for many months, and I grew to depend on this person being there when I had emotional instability.  But then I realized I depended TOO MUCH on this person.  I have other friends I'd neglected, other friends that like me for who I am, other friends that, while different from the person in question, are no less important.  Those friends probably wondered where I disappeared to these last couple of years.
And I liked the thought that despite the disconnect with one person, I could take that unhappiness and flip it around, then turn it over on its head.  Without this person, I could do different and new things, reconcile with other friends, even make new ones, and I could entrust more of myself to my husband instead of pretending he wasn't up to the challenge. :)  Love you, honey!

I'm still letting go, though.  There's no cure for sadness, though it can be stifled or ignored for a while.  Every so often, I'll  see a picture of this person, or have a dream in which this person is included, and I'll wake up, and the disappointment will come crashing back, and I'll have to remind myself to breathe, and that my life will go on, and that I have other important people and activities.  It's not the end of the world, as my mother would say.

And I pray.  I pray that I would use this experience wisely, that God would continue to teach me how to grieve and how to move on and not feel entitled to revenge or retaliation, that this person would be healthy and happy, and that if I should meet this person again, we could behave civilly.

And you know what?  It's working.

Thus ends my morality lesson for today.  Hugs and kisses!

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