Friday, November 9, 2012

I Feel...

I re-read a few of my posts, and I suddenly realized that the common theme among all of them is that I've lost hope in some form, as relates to each worry.

It comes from this feeling that my life hasn't turned out to be what I'd hoped it would be, from asking myself, "Is this it?  Is this all there is?"

My days consist of an eight hours of work, another few hours cleaning up after my husband and our six cats, cleaning in general, trying to keep up with fixing things that break or sifting through pack rat stuffed corners or staring in frustration at weed-ridden yards, feeling tired, worn out, and unfulfilled as a person.

Everyone goes through this, I've been told.  It's a transitional thing as you get older, as you mature.  The things you thought were important aren't anymore, and the gap left by those things aches to be filled with things more meaningful.  Sometimes this requires re-defining yourself.  Sometimes it just means you want different friends, or different hobbies, or a different job.

Or maybe it means emerging from the fog of self-indulgence and finding out that you actually HAVE hurt people with your selfish antics, and that drama isn't worth the ego-stroking that drove you to behave like an idiot in the first place.
Goodness knows what put you in that fog, but whatever it was isn't an issue anymore, and you look at the emotional carnage you left behind, and think to yourself, "Is THIS all there is?!"

No, it's not all there is.  Work and housework and paying bills and playing video games to escape the drudgery of reality is not all there is.  There is love, love from the God of the universe who tells me He has more things planned for me than THIS.

And I aim to find out what those plans are.

But first, I have some apologizing to do.

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